


Last Christmas

by nepenthe_writer



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Christmas, Happy Ending, Healing, Heartbreak, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, New Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21635401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nepenthe_writer/pseuds/nepenthe_writer
Summary: It's Christmas, a time for miracles. Tony hopes for a miracle when he decides to tell Steve about his feelings for the soldier. Things don't turn out the way Tony expects them to.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 35
Kudos: 275





	1. Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on the chorus from the song Last Christmas by English duo Wham! in 1984

Tony was humming Jingle Bells under his breath as he walked through the common area of the tower with a box of tinsel in his hands. Every time he came across a portion of the floor that he didn’t feel was festive enough he grabbed a handful of the shiny strands and tossed them around until there was a nice coating. Most of the tower had already been decorated in reds and greens and more mistletoe than you could shake a stick at. Or at least, it would be enough if a certain super soldier had gotten the hint about it.

For months now Tony had been trying to subtly show Steve that he was interested in the man and so far Steve had remained completely oblivious to the genius’s overtures. Tony was fairly certain that Steve wasn’t rejecting him. Steve would definitely have said something directly to Tony if that were the case, Tony was sure of it. In the end, Tony was equally as sure that Steve just hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary.

The two of them had, had a rocky start to their friendship and Steve might just be perceiving Tony’s flirting as trying to bring them closer together as teammates. Tony did have to admit that he flirted with most everyone to some extent or another so he could see where Steve might be getting mixed messages. To Tony, that just meant he was going to have to try harder to get his meaning across and what better way to do that then with mistletoe and a built in excuse to be kissing whoever you found yourself with underneath it. If Tony just happened to be purposefully trying to catch Steve then who would really fault him. It wasn’t like Clint wasn’t having a blast hiding in the vents to try and sneak a kiss with each member of the team when they passed under the plant. Tony himself had been caught by the archer five times already.

Perhaps it was because of Clint’s stalking of the plant that Steve had been extra careful to walk around it instead of under it that Tony was having his own difficulties snagging a kiss with the soldier. He wasn’t about to give up though. Christmas was the holiday for hope and miracles and Tony was counting on a little bit of that holiday magic to give him a chance with the man that he had been admiring for longer than he’d care to admit.

~

Days turned into weeks and soon enough Christmas day was upon them all. Thor and Clint had worked together to wake the whole team up right at dawn with the insistence that presents must be opened right then or the holiday would be ruined. Steve had put his foot down saying that breakfast should come first and with Nat, Bruce, and Tony all backing him up, Thor and Clint were out voted.

As the one that had insisted on breakfast Steve took it upon himself to start up the stove and begin making his pancakes that the whole team loved. The plate that got set down in front of Tony even had blueberries scattered on top which none of the others had. Steve gave the genius a smile and a wink causing Tony to blush before tucking in.

It was moments like that which had Tony refusing to give in when it came to trying to get Steve to go out with him. If there were nothing there between the two of them then the soldier wouldn’t be so open with flirting back after all. Steve just wasn’t the kind of guy to go around winking at people for no good reason. It had to mean something as far as Tony was concerned and he just hoped that it meant Steve was interested in him back.

After breakfast came presents much to Thor and Clint’s happiness. The next few hours were filled with laughter and flying bits of wrapping paper as they each dug into their own gifts in turn. The gifts ranged from practical items such as wool socks in each of their favorite colors in order to keep their feet warm during the cold New York nights to fun things that they would just plain enjoy using like the loose leaf tea subscription that Clint got for Bruce. Darcy had even sent Thor a taser which the God laughed at heartily though he refused to share why.

The rest of the day passed in easy companionship, all of them hanging out together in the living space of the common floor. Clint and Thor had dragged Bruce into a video game tournament between the three of them while Natasha broke into the new manicure set that Steve had gifted her. Steve took up one end of the loveseat by the window to practice with the new high quality art supplies that had been his gift from Tony while the genius sat next to him, nose buried in the book that Thor had picked out from Asgard’s library for him.

As much as Tony wanted to just lean into Steve’s side and cuddle into the soldier it just didn’t feel like the right moment to go about expressing his feelings. While he loved the rest of the team, Tony wanted his confession to be a private moment between him and Steve for just the two of them to share. Right now was a time for the whole family and so Tony was determined to wait it out despite how difficult it was for him.

As the day stretched on Tony kept sending glances in Steve’s direction as he tried to come up with a plan on how to get the super soldier alone. When the sun had gone down and it had gotten too dark for Steve to keep going with his art he had put down his sketch pad and leaned over to read over Tony’s shoulder. Tony had been certain that his face had heated up enough that he was surprised that he had set off the fire alarm. No one else seemed to notice his predicament and so he had just relaxed and let himself enjoy Steve pressing so close to him.

The day slowly wore into evening and one by one the team bade goodnight to everyone and separated to head back to their own rooms to sleep. At one point Tony had gotten up to get a cup of coffee and when he was headed back into the living area he noticed that Steve was the only one left. It was the perfect opportunity to talk to the soldier about his feelings and Tony wasn’t about to let it slip by. Setting the coffee cup down Tony yanked off the mistletoe that had been hanging over the kitchen door and headed back into the living area with a determined stride. He had good timing as on his way in he nearly ran into Steve headed out.

“Hey Tony. I was just thinking about heading off to bed and wanted to thank you again for my gift,” Steve said to the other man.

Tony smiled widely, pleased that he had chosen something that Steve was sure to enjoy. “I’m glad that you liked it. I know how much you like getting your ideas down in your free time. Can’t say that I don’t do the same down in my lab when something new inspires me.”

“We are very similar that way aren’t we?” Steve mused. “You with your tech and me with my art. We both have our own creative outlets.”

Comfortable silence fell between them for a moment and Tony was loathe to end the night this way without putting himself out there.

“You’re more than welcome down in my lab when you want some time to work on your art,” Tony offered. “I know if isn’t natural light but I’m sure there’s plenty down there to give you some ideas.

Steve smiled warmly as he replied, “I might just take you up on that offer sometime. Merry Christmas Tony. I’m glad I had you guys to spend it with. It makes the future not nearly so lonely knowing that I have a family here to share it with. Good night.”

As Steve turned to walk away Tony knew that it was now or never.

“Before you go Steve,” Tony said desperate not to lose this chance. He took a step into Steve’s personal space and held a sprig of green above their heads. “Mistletoe. I think you owe me a kiss.”

Steve smiled and took a step closer into Tony’s space. “Do I now? I thought that only counted if you walked under the mistletoe, not when someone held it over your head.”

Tony shrugged, his smile never wavering. “Well you weren’t cooperating with my plan to catch you underneath one so I had to improvise,” he explained. “Don’t tell me all my hard work is going to go to waste Captain.”

Eyes alight with amusement, Steve didn’t say a thing as he tipped his head down and caught Tony’s lips in a soft and slow kiss. Tony’s eyes fluttered closed as he dropped the mistletoe and wound his arms around Steve’s shoulders to hold on. The kiss went on for a minute until Steve slowly pulled back, Tony’s lips following for a second, not ready to end the kiss.

“Was that what you wanted?” Steve asked, his voice a little husky from even just that amount. “A Christmas kiss from your friend?”

Tony’s heart was pounding in his chest and it was now or never. “Not quite. It’s a good start but I was hoping for a little bit more.”

Steve’s hands found their way to Tony’s waist and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I think I could manage a bit more. Christmas is the season for giving after all.”

If Tony’s heart had been pounding before it was nothing compared to right now as it felt like it was about to beat out of his chest.

“God yes,” he breathed, catching Steve by the back of his neck and bringing him down for another, harder, kiss.

Steve was quick to respond, giving just as much as he was getting in the kiss. As it deepened and their tongues came into play the soldier lifted Tony up so that the genius could wrap his legs around his waist. Once he was sure that he had a firm hold, giving Tony’s ass a not so subtle squeeze in the process, Steve headed for the elevator to take them up to the penthouse so that they could continue in private.

Tony was practically soaring as he was carried away by Steve. He had been hoping for this for so long and now he had it. Steve returned his feelings and Tony was so happy he felt like he was about to burst. If he had known that all he had to do to get Steve was to put him down on his Christmas list than Tony would have done it much sooner. Regardless of how long it took though Tony was going to enjoy every new moment from now on that he had with his boyfriend.


	2. The Very Next Day, You Gave It Away

Tony smiled as he came awake. He was deliciously sore from his and Steve’s love making last night. Stretching out in bed, Tony pulled at the sore muscles feeling how deep the ache went and nearly purring in satisfaction. He knew from the stories that Steve had told about his time during the war that he wasn’t completely innocent but it was one thing to hear stories about the great Captain America visiting a brothel or two for casual sex while traveling through French and quite another to be taken to bed by Steve Rogers.

When Tony reached out to the other side of the bed intending to cuddle up with his new boyfriend before they had to get up for the day Tony found the sheets cool to the touch. Cracking open an eye confirmed that he was alone in bed and given the temperature of the sheets, he had been for some time. Tony sat up, letting the blankets pool in his lap as he rubbed at his eyes trying to get his brain to catch up to what was going on.

It didn’t seem right to him that Steve wouldn’t be there in bed wanting to soak up the first morning waking up with his new boyfriend. Tony had been sure that was something that the soldier would absolutely love doing so Tony couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t there. The only thing that came to mind was that even in the brutal cold of the New York winter Steve still enjoyed getting up early and going for a run outside.

Tony shivered just thinking about it. Steve coming back from his run, covered in sweat even with the bite of cold outside. He’d want a nice hot shower to clean off and warm up in. Tony would be more than happy to help his boyfriend reach all of those hard to reach spots, getting him all nice and clean so they could get dirty all over again.

Since Steve wasn't there to snuggle with and bask in the joy of just being together, and Tony didn’t want to start something that he didn’t want to finish without Steve, Tony decided that he might as well get up and start the day while he waited for Steve to get back home. While getting dressed Tony took some time to admire the love bites that Steve had left behind. It came as no surprise to Tony that the soldier had been possessive and left behind marks of his claim over the genius. Running his fingers over a particularly dark bruise on his collarbone Tony shivered at the memory of Steve leaving it there.

Picking out a shirt, Tony chose one that would leave some of the hickies on his neck uncovered and in view in order to show off the marks Steve had left behind. While Tony was no stranger to people knowing all about his personal life he hadn't been so blatant about it in years but he was proud of being with Steve and he wanted everyone to know about it. Once dressed, he strutted out of his room and instead of heading for his own kitchen to get his morning cup of coffee, Tony got in the elevator to go down to the common floor and have his coffee there with the rest of his makeshift family. It would give him something to do while he waited for Steve to get back from his run.

When the elevator doors opened it revealed that Tony was not the only one with the idea of having a communal breakfast. Clint was standing behind the counter tossing pieces of sliced fruit into Bruce and Thor's open mouths. Nat was sipping from a mug of tea while Steve manned the stove making breakfast for everyone. Tony smiled softly as he took in the relaxed atmosphere of the room. When Tony's eyes traveled over the form of his new boyfriend his smile froze slightly on his face.

Steve was dressed in a comfortable pair of pajamas. That didn't make any sense to Tony. Why would Steve still be wearing pajamas if he had gotten up early to go for a run? If he didn't get up early to go for a run than why did he leave Tony alone in bed when they could have woken up together? It couldn't be that he was planning on breakfast in bed or he would have made it in the penthouse kitchen and not the one of the common floor.

The uncertainty had Tony hesitating in the doorway, watching his friends. His approach didn’t go unnoticed however and Clint was quick to wave him further into the room as he threw a strawberry slice into Bruce’s mouth even as the scientist moved his head to the left in an attempt to make the archer miss.

"Looks like someone had a merry Christmas," Clint teased, looking Tony up and down and seeing the red marks all over Tony's neck.

Tony’s hand reflexively came up to cover the marks now that he wasn't as sure as he had been about them when he got dressed. Steve and he hadn’t gotten a chance to talk about what they would say to the rest of the team. Tony had just assumed that they wouldn’t be keeping their relationship a secret but what if Steve wanted to be more private about it and now here Tony came showing off what had happened between them last night.

“Yeah I might have gotten a little too excited last night,” Steve admitted with a careless shrug of one shoulder. “It’s been a little while and I guess I just wanted to make the most of the situation.”

Nat just smirked into her mug. “That would be why no one I set you up with worked out. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to mix business with pleasure by dating someone you worked with, I was just picking from the wrong team.”

“Wasn’t so much of a date,” Steve corrected, breaking off a piece of Tony’s heart in the process. “More just blowing off some steam and enjoying a little holiday spirit. Right Tony?”

“Just blowing off steam?” Tony said quietly, feeling his heart constricting in his chest and hoping that nothing was showing on his face. It was bad enough that he had put his heart out there for Steve to take when the soldier clearly wasn’t interested in it. Tony didn’t need the rest of the team seeing him crash and burn. His own private humiliation was bad enough.

Thor shrugged at the casual talk of Tony and Steve sleeping together. "Tis not an uncommon practice on Asgard. Shield brothers frequently find pleasure with one another between battles. It promotes and strengthens bonds. I am glad you and the Captain share such a thing.”

Tony had to focus to keep his hands from trembling. This was nowhere close to what he had expected when he woke up this morning

Bruce was the only one that seemed to notice that anything was off with the genius. “Tony are you okay? You look a little pale.”

Plastering on a fake media smile Tony made his way over to the counter and poured himself a large cup of coffee with cream and sugar since he didn’t need to add anything bitter to the already sour taste in his mouth.

“Just fine Brucie-bear. Just thinking of the work that I need to get done,” Tony lied smoothly, sliding back towards the elevator so that he could make his escape. “Holiday is over which means back to work. No rest for the wicked and all that. Just wanted to grab some coffee to start the day since Rhodey drank all the good stuff from my lab the last time he was over. Well, I’ll see you all later.”

Before anyone had a chance to protest his abrupt departure the doors to the elevator were closing and he was heading down to his lab. As soon as he was inside Tony was sorely tempted to initiate a lockdown but that would be a dead giveaway that he was upset and right now the last thing Tony wanted was for the rest of the team to see him like this. No, the best thing for right now was to plaster on a smile and move on.

He didn’t want for everyone to know that he had somehow managed to screw up another relationship without even trying. Without even really starting it in the first place. He had been so sure of himself, so sure that last night proved that Steve wanted him back just as much as he wanted the soldier in the first place. Tony just couldn’t understand where he had gone wrong.

Did Steve not understand what Tony had been saying to him last night? Did Steve just think that it was some kind of joke? That Tony Stark wasn’t capable of settling down and having a serious relationship?

All Tony knew was that he had handed his heart to Steve on a silver platter thinking that there was no safer place in the world for it and Steve had just gone and tossed it aside the very next day as though it were worth absolutely nothing. Maybe Pepper was wrong. Maybe there was no proof that he had a heart. If he did than Steve, good, kind, loving Steve would have never been so careless with it like he had been.

Hands trembling, Tony took the mug that he was still holding and threw it across the room with all of his might. He watched in satisfaction as it shattered against the wall sending ceramic shard and coffee everywhere. DUM-E rolled out of his station beeping frantically at the sudden noise and mess that came along with it and started working it clean everything up.

The shattered mug felt like a pretty good representation of his heart at the moment to Tony and he took dark satisfaction in that. He had no intention of letting the rest of the team know just how hurt he was from Steve’s casual disregard of him. It would only cause more hurt feelings and had the chance of being brought out onto the battlefield and that was the last thing that they needed.

This wasn’t the first time that Tony’d had his heart broken by someone that didn’t care about him they way he cared about them. He would be able to patch himself up in time. Time was all he needed and right now he planned to spend most of that down in his lab working. He was sure that there was some part of the Iron Man armor that needed dents pounded out of it before he could work on it more. Bashing his feelings out seemed to be the perfect thing to spend the day after Christmas doing.


	3. This Year

Tony got out his anger at Steve down in the privacy of his lab until he was left raw and empty inside. It wasn’t often in his life that he trusted another with his heart and it had become even more infrequent after Obie’s betrayal of him. That fact that Steve had failed to see how important this had been to Tony and had tossed aside the genius’s heart so carelessly was a hard blow to Tony.

Just because it hurt though didn’t mean that Tony would allow himself to stay down for long. He had always been a fighter and wasn’t about to let himself crumble just because some super soldier didn’t know a good thing when it was handed to him on a silver platter. No, Tony would wallow in his hurt for a time, let himself feel all of those emotions, and then he would rise up better and stronger than before.

As much as the petty part of him wanted to kick Steve out of the tower so that he wouldn’t have to see his stupid face again Tony was able to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. The whole reason that the Avengers existed in the first place was to deal with threats that the regular police and military could not. That hadn’t changed just because Tony was heartbroken. He still wanted to protect people and that meant working with Steve like he had been before. That didn’t mean that he had to do it right this very minute though.

A quick phone call to Pepper had Tony scheduled for meetings at different SI locations across the country and even a few overseas. Pepper had been curious as to what had prompted such a strong desire in Tony for him to leave New York for a little while. Tony had given her an abbreviated telling of what had happened and his CEO had quickly gotten everything together for him, wishing him well and promising to take care of everything in New York while he was away repairing his heart.

Most of the Avengers hadn’t said anything when Tony had announced that he would be traveling for work for a little while though Clint had given him a shrewd look. He had been kind enough not to say anything though. With no more fuss Tony had packed his bags and off he went.

As tempting as it would have been to have a few meaningless one night stands while he was away he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He hadn’t slept with Steve because it had seemed like a fun thing to do. He had truly loved the soldier and even if that love wasn’t returned he couldn’t find it in himself to disrespect his own feelings quite to callously.

By the time Tony returned to the tower a few weeks later, the worst of the hurt had faded to a dull ache and he was able to train and work alongside Steve with no issue that they wouldn’t have had previously anyway.

The year continued to drudge onward as only the constant and never faltering movement of time could do. Over the course of the next few months the ranks of the Avengers widened with new additions. Captain Carol Danvers returned from a top secret mission in space and was introduced to them by Fury. A kid from Queens started swinging through the city after being bitten by a spider and the group was quick to pull him into their ranks if only to keep him from going out on his own and getting hurt. Steve made a new friend while out running and Sam followed him home adding to their bird collection on the team to even out the number of spiders they currently had.

The most difficult addition to the team had to have been in late Spring when Steve and Sam had come home one day with a bedraggled Winter Soldier trudging along with them casting suspicious looks in every direction. Steve had thrown Tony a pair of sad eyes and between that and the stories that his Aunt Peggy used to tell him as a little boy about one of the best snipers that US Army had ever had, Tony fixed up a new bedroom and invited the soldier down to his lab whenever he was ready to get the sorry excuse for machinery hanging off his shoulder serviced.

It took two weeks before Bucky, requesting to be called James since he didn’t feel like the same man he had once been, made his way tentatively down to the lab. Tony had been informed of James’s approach and had been watching when JARVIS had first opened the lab door for the soldier. The poor guy had very nearly spooked right then and there at the sight of a lab and all of its accompanying equipment laid out in front of him. Tony had waited though letting the man choose for himself if he was ready for this step. When he had taken small, hesitant steps into the workshop Tony had waited him out, letting James make the decision about what he was and was not comfortable with.

In the end it had been the stark differences between Tony’s lab and those of Hydra that had put the soldier at enough ease to let Tony take a look at his arm. The vast difference between Tony and the Hydra scientists took away any lingering misgivings for James as Tony treated him like a person and not just a malfunctioning weapon. The arm was something that Tony had been waiting to get his hands on from the moment that James had shown up to the tower and he did his best to tramp down most of his excitement as he finally got to get his hands all over it. He didn’t want to risk James thinking that he was just like Hydra and cared more about the arm than the person that it was attached to since that couldn’t be further from the truth.

During the maintenance sessions that they had as Tony worked out how the arm functioned and how it worked in conjunction with the rest of James’s body, the two of them talked. It started with simple things such as would James prefer the arm just be repaired or would he like a whole new one that Hydra had never touched. Their conversations slowly moved on to less heavy topics like favorite music which Tony was more than happy to blast while he worked and favorite food that got ordered once they were finished.

By the time Tony was finished with all repairs, James wanting to hold off on the major changes that would come with a whole new arm, the two of them had grown closer. It was to the point that sometimes James came down to the lab just to keep Tony company and not because he needed something to do with his arm. It had taken Tony some getting used to, to have someone else in his space so much but it had been worth it.

Both of the bots loved greeting James and had taken to examining his arm each time he visited as though having part of him be mechanical made him one of them as well. The small pleased smile on James’s lips each time the bots came racing up to greet him never failed to make a curl of warmth settle in Tony’s chest.

It hadn’t taken the genius long to realize that he was starting to develop a crush on the former assassin after the months that they had been spending together. As soon as Tony realized what was happening though he was quick to tramp those feelings down, stuff them in a little box, and shove that box into a back corner of his mind to be dealt with never. Getting over Steve had been hard and heartbreaking and Tony had zero interest in going through the same process all over again with Stars and Stripes’ best friend.

It wasn’t easy but Tony was able to push his less than platonic feelings away for the most part. They were still there, lurking in the background, but they didn’t control Tony’s actions. He wasn’t about to fall prey to the same trap a second time and lay his heart out for someone else to throw away.

Besides, James was still figuring out how to be his own person again and the last thing that he needed was to fall directly into any type of romantic attachment. Friendship was what he needed the most right now. Even if Tony wasn’t hesitant to start something for his own reasons he would never put his own feelings ahead of someone else’s healing. What he did do was offer a strong foundation of support. That support and friendship never wavered through the year as Jame slowly regained his sense of self and his own voice about the things that he did and did not want.

If that inner strength that made James the amazing person that he was only made Tony’s crush on him all that much stronger, well no one had to know that but the genius.


	4. To Save Me From Tears

The wheel of time was constantly turning and with it the Christmas season was right around the corner once again. If last year’s Christmas had been a large affair, this year blew it out of the water. With the additional members added to the team, plus their family and friends that they wanted to share the holiday with, Tony was planning a large party before the actual holiday for everyone to get together and have fun.

Decorations were hung and food was laid out. James had insisted on helping Tony so that he wouldn’t be burdened with all of the details. Part of that help came in the form of homemade eggnog that James remembered his mom making before the Depression hit. When Tony took a swig of it to taste he ended up coughing in surprise with how much alcohol had been added. James laughed loudly in delight.

Tony could feel his cheeks heating up at James’s obvious pleasure and would swear to anyone that asked it was because of the alcohol and nothing else. No one else needed to know just how gone he was on the soldier. Tony had learned his lesson last Christmas and even if a year was enough time for him to get over the hurt that had come from Steve’s rejection that doesn’t mean Tony was eager for another Christmas disaster.

“You’re going to want to be careful with that stuff,” Tony said as he set his cup down. “I’m pretty sure even you could get drunk off of that. I don’t want to see what would happen if Peter got into it.”

James gave a crooked smile at that. “I’ll do what I can but you know that kid. He gets into all sorts of trouble when you take your eye off of him for a second.”

Tony rolled his eyes at the truth of that statement. “Don’t I know it. The kid has been a menace since the moment he got recruited.” Despite Tony’s words, his tone was extremely fond and no one that actually knew him would believe for a second that Peter didn’t have Tony wrapped around his little finger.

James snorted in reaction. “Yeah sure. Like you’re not the one that found out about him, secretly worked out a meeting with his aunt, and ambushed him in his home with an offer to join us.”

Tony grinned in wicked delight. “Nope. Not me at all. Must have been some other genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.”

James burst out laughing at that unable to contain himself. The two of them had gotten along like a house on fire once James had stopped jumping at every shadow, worried that it was Hydra coming back for him. James’s own interest in futuristic technology had survived his seventy years as a captive and Tony’s enjoyment of having someone else besides Bruce taking a deeper interest in what he created had made them a perfect match for one another.

Sure James was still good friends with Steve but he had found a commonality with Tony that was different and yet no less important to the former assassin. Tony had helped bring him into the future much the same way the genius had done for Steve as well. However, James had been a far more willing participant in moving forward given his love for science before the war even started was still alive and well in him today.

That shared interest had served to draw James and Tony together over and over again throughout the year. At times it had been difficult for Tony to stand, being so close to the man that had managed to catch his interest despite his own desires to do nothing about it. At other times it was more the welcome having someone else that could understand him in his lab. Either way, whenever James had asked for company Tony had never been able to find it in his heart to tell him no. James had already been through so much and if spending time with Tony helped him, well then Tony wasn’t so heartless as to turn him away.

As the Christmas party raged on around them, everyone mingling and having a good time, Tony and James stood to the side just taking in the moment. It wasn’t often enough that everyone had the chance to get together for a reason that wasn’t stopping the bad guy of the week. When everyone was in the swing of things, James wrapped a hand around Tony’s elbow and nodded towards the hallway, silently asking for the genius to come with him.

Tony quirked an eyebrow up in question but followed along easily enough. He had no reason not to trust James and if the man wanted to speak with him privately, Tony wasn’t going to deny him. Once they were alone in the dimly lit hallway James let go of Tony’s elbow though he did remain inside Tony’s personal space. That small gesture was making Tony even more curious about what the soldier wanted to talk to him about. While Tony was someone that didn’t mind getting up close and personal with those he cared about, handing out hugs and casual touches like candy at Halloween, James wasn’t the same. The soldier usually preferred having a bit more personal space as a leftover defense mechanism from his time with Hydra. The more space he had the easier it was to see a surprise attack coming and to defend himself from it.

“Everything okay Snowflake?” Tony asked, wanting to know what was bothering his friend so that he could try to help and make it better.

“Yeah, everything’s just fine Tony,” James assured the genius. “I just wanted to talk to you somewhere that everyone else wouldn’t be. I’ve got a question for you and wanted to make sure that you could answer without worrying about what anyone else might say. I thought about asking down in your lab but I also know how flighty you can be when you feel trapped. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to leave a space that means safety to you just because I made you uncomfortable.”

Tony frowned at the idea that James thought he might make Tony uncomfortable. Tony knew that he had worked to keep some distance between them if only to protect his own heart from his stupid crush. He hadn’t been very successful at that but evidently it had been noticed if James didn’t think Tony was at his most comfortable when the soldier was around.

“I never feel uncomfortable with you around me,” Tony promised, his voice firm with sincerity, needing to know that James believed that. “I’m not sure that there’s anything you could do that would make me uncomfortable. You should see some of the stuff that I got up to in the past. Not much phases me at this point.”

“I believe you and I hope that stays true even after I’ve said my piece,” James said.

Reaching out a hand, James dragged the back of his fingers down Tony’s cheek until they rested under his chin, tipping his face up to look James in the eyes. Tony’s breath caught in his chest at the intimate gesture, his mind racing to try and make sense of this turn of events.

Softly, James started speaking. “Tony, you are the most incredible man that I have ever met. You have given me the chance to regain myself and for that alone I would be forever grateful to you. You have made me happier this past year than I can remember being in a long time.”

Tony’s breath caught in his throat and he felt tears prickle at the corners of his eyes at James’s kind words though he refused to let them fall. In one way it felt incredible standing this close to the man he had gotten to know over the course of the past year, the man that he could so easily see himself spending a lifetime with. In another way, however, it was completely terrifying. Tony had been so sure of himself last year too when he had confessed his feelings to Steve and look where that had gotten him. A one night stand and a broken heart.

Besides, what kind of relationship could he possibly have with James if his own feelings were so fickle as to be in love with one man, fall out of love with him, and into love with a completely different man all in just a single year. There was a reason why Tony had always struggled with long term relationships and it wouldn’t be fair to James to tie him down like that when he was still recovering himself. No, Tony knew that James deserved someone who didn’t fall in and out of love the way Tony had. Tony also knew that he himself deserved not to have his heart broken a second time in as many years when he had the power not to put it on the line in the first place.

All of that went through Tony’s head in an instant but none of it must have shown on his face because James was still giving him the same soft look as he had when he pulled Tony away from the party.

“You make me so damn happy Tony,” James said, smile growing wider as his thumb stroked along the apple of Tony’s cheek. “You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing before I go to sleep at night. You make my life so much better by just being in it and I want to be the same for you. Give me a chance. Let me take you out and show you everything you deserve. Let me be your fella Tony.”

Oh how Tony wanted to say yes. There was nothing more that the genius could possibly want in that very moment and everything inside of him longed to give in, kiss the man in front of him, and have his happily ever after. As much as he wanted that though, the memory of last year and the heartbreak that came with it crashed through Tony’s mind making him take a step back. He couldn’t go through that again. He wouldn’t survive it a second time.

“I can’t,” Tony whispered, voice filled with pain.

Pulling away from James completely Tony turned tail and all but ran for the elevator. He let it take him up to the penthouse and away from the thing he wanted the most. As he made his way into his dark bedroom all alone Tony couldn’t stop the sob that was welling up inside his chest. He thought that he had protected himself better than this. He had thought that this Christmas there wouldn’t be any tears.


	5. I'll Give It To Someone Special

The next day dawned bright and early. Far earlier than Tony would have preferred but it was Christmas day and JARVIS had been ordered to make sure that he woke up early enough that he could get himself ready and under control so that he wouldn’t be a mess when it came time to head down to the common room and open presents with the rest of the team that was still in the tower.

Despite his reason for waking up early, Tony couldn’t seem to make him get out of bed. He laid right where he had been all night, soft pillow under his head and a thick comforter keeping him bundled up in a warm bubble under the covers. It was the perfect combination to make anyone just want to lay in bed all day without getting up. If Tony had the added reason of not wanting to face James after the soldier had confessed his own feelings last night with Tony turning him down than that was no one else’s business but the genius’s.

Closing his eyes tightly as though that would somehow change reality Tony tried pushing away the memory of last night. Try as he might though, he just couldn’t manage. The feeling of James’s hand on the side of his face holding him so gently while he talked about everything Tony meant to him just kept playing on repeat behind Tony’s closed eyelids. Flinging his eyes open Tony stared resolutely at the bedroom door in front of him.

It just wasn’t fair that he couldn’t have the one thing that he wanted so badly. Tony wanted so badly to blame this all on Steve. If the man had just told Tony that he wasn’t interested in a relationship, that all he wanted was a quick roll in the hay, than Tony wouldn’t have had his heart crushed. He wouldn’t have spent weeks taping his broken heart back together again afraid of giving it to someone else for fear that they would do that exact same thing to him, even though that’s all Tony longed to do with James.

Yes, it would be so easy to blame everything that he was feeling right now on Steve but Tony knew that wasn’t fair. As much as he wanted to be angry with Steve for not being clear about wanting nothing more than a quick fuck, Tony also had to acknowledge his own hand in how things turned out. Looking back, he could understand how he hadn’t been clear either about what he wanted. At the time Tony had thought that telling Steve he wanted something more than just a kiss from a friend meant he wanted a relationship but he could also see that if he hadn’t felt the same way how easily he could have taken it as an invitation for a one night stand.

They had both had a role to play in what had gone wrong and Tony was terrified of repeating his mistake. What if he was misunderstanding what James was trying to tell him last night? What if they weren’t on the same page about what they wanted from one another? Tony could see himself so easily getting hurt again on a personal level, not to mention the damage their friendship would take. He’d like to think they could both be mature adults but Tony only had to look at his friendship with Steve to see how they weren’t as close as they had once been. In order to repair his heart he’d had to erect barriers between himself and Steve that hadn’t been there before and Tony didn’t know if he could survive having to do the same thing with James.

Thoughts spiraling and getting nowhere fast, Tony angrily flung the blankets off of him and rolled out of bed. He stomped out of his bedroom and into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee with the time he had left before heading down to the common floor. The moment he stepped foot in the kitchen however Tony came to a screeching halt.

There sitting on one of the bar stools sipping at his own cup of coffee with another steaming mug sitting one the counter waiting was James. The soldier was dressed in a comfortable pair of pants and t-shirt. He looked like he was ready for a relaxing day and his eyes were trained on Tony the moment the genius stepped foot into the room.

Tony watched as James brought his mug up to his lips and took a long sip without saying anything. Heart pounding in his chest, Tony wanted to turn tail and run back to his bedroom where there weren’t unfairly attractive men that Tony had a crush on but couldn’t let himself have. Despite how badly he wanted to run Tony knew that he couldn’t. Running would only prolong the inevitable and he was much more of a rip the whole band aid off in one go kind of guy.

After taking a moment to compose himself, Tony kept walking until he was able to pick up the second mug. Taking a drink from it Tony found that the coffee inside was made just the way he liked it with just the right about of milk and sugar to sweeten it without overpowering the specific type of beans that he enjoyed so much. It made him smile to know that James had paid attention enough to know exactly how he took his coffee.

When Tony was halfway through his mug James set his own down and broke the silence between them.

“I think we need to talk about last night,” James said calmly but firmly. “I don’t want to let anything fester between the two of us because we couldn’t talk like two adults. Last night I asked you out and you said you can’t before taking off on me. I need to know. What did you mean by you can’t?”

Tony looked down at the mug in his hands as though it would give him all of the answers that he was seeking. Instead it just held the brown liquid that he often drank far too much of. As much as Tony wanted to deflect and steer the conversation to less sensitive grounds he knew that James was right and the best way to preserve the friendship that had come to mean so very much to Tony was to talk about it.

“I said I can’t because I can’t go out with you,” Tony said, finding it easier to continue to stare at his mug instead of James. “There’s too much of a chance of getting my heart broken and I don’t think I can go through that again. I’m really sorry James. I like you. I more than like you actually but I just can’t risk our friendship and my heart that way. I can’t have it broken again. I don’t think I could make it a second time.”

“What do you mean again or a second time? Pretty sure this was the only time I’ve asked you out Doll,” James prompted, trying to understand what it was that was scaring Tony off.

Tony couldn’t stop the smile at the nickname that had just rolled off James’s tongue without thought. The soldier was just so sweet that it was making it hard for Tony to hold onto his resolve. He could tell that the soldier wasn’t about to give in without a good reason and Tony knew he was going to have to explain what happened last year. If James chose to side with his best friend growing up than at least Tony would be able to put all of this behind himself once and for all and stop fantasizing about what could be.

“Last year I asked Steve out,” Tony began explaining. “Or at least that’s what I thought I had done. I had been interested in him for a while and I kissed him under the mistletoe on Christmas and we spent the night together. I thought we were in a relationship but it turns out Steve just thought it was a one night kind of thing. It hurt so damn bad and I felt like such a fool.

“I’ve had a year to get over him and I’m not interested in him anymore. Just when I had moved on though you come moving into my tower and worming your way into my heart and I just don’t think I can take that risk again. I don’t think I can put my heart on the line only to have it broken all over again. It was hard enough putting it back together after Steve. I don’t think I could do it a second time after you if you decide all I’m good for is one night.”

By the time Tony was finished he had tears slowly trickling down his cheeks. It was hard opening himself up in front of someone else, giving them the power to hurt him without shielding himself but James deserved the truth. He deserved to know why Tony couldn’t take the chance with him and that it wasn’t the soldier’s fault.

James set his mug down on the counter and in one swift move pulled Tony in for a tight hug. The genius was startled by the action but made no move to try and pull away. It actually felt really nice to be held and slowly Tony started relaxing into James’s arms.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that Tony,” James whispered into the crown of Tony’s head. “Steve’s a great guy but he can be a punk sometimes. He probably didn’t mean to hurt you but I know that doesn’t make what happened hurt any less.”

At those words Tony couldn’t stop himself from clinging to James. He knew, truly, that Steve would never intentionally hurt him but that hadn’t stopped the pain that he had been in. That conflict of emotions was why he had never told anyone about what had happened. It would have made everything so much harder if everyone had known and been caught between conflicting emotions like Tony had been. Not to mention the guilt that Steve would have put on himself for hurting a friend and teammate.

James tightened his own arms around Tony giving the man the support that he needed and continued talking, “You don’t have to go out with me if you really don’t want to but I would be grateful if you would give me a chance. I can promise you right here and now that I want so much more with you than just one night. I can’t promise that everything will work out perfectly and we’ll never break up because no one can promise that. I can promise however that if given the chance, I would fight for us. I would work to never take you for granted. We’d probably fight at some point because all couples do but we’d also talk and work things out.

“If you really don’t think you can take that chance, well, it would really be too bad and I’ll need some time to work on getting over you but I will respect your decision. No matter what Tony, you are my friend first and foremost and I don’t plan on ever letting anything change that. You are so special to me Tony.”

For a minute Tony stood there, held safely in James’s arms while the soldier’s words spun around in his head. Everything James said sounded so perfect, exactly what Tony wanted from the other man in turn and it was becoming harder and harder to rationalize to himself why he couldn’t have what was being offered to him on a silver platter. If they both were clear that they wanted a relationship, something long term that would last, than why should Tony say no? Why should he deny himself something that seemed like what they both wanted and would make them both happy? Yes there was still the risk of getting his heart broken in the end but that was true in any relationship. The more Tony thought about it the more the reward seemed to vastly outweigh the risks.

Tony pulled back just enough to look up into James’s eyes while staying in his arms. James at first tightened his hold, not wanting to lose the man he wanted to desperately, before relaxing his hold just a second later. As much as he wanted Tony, he wouldn’t keep him there again his will.

“You’re pretty special too you know Snowflake,” Tony said, his voice wavering slightly in barely suppressed hope. “You sure you’re ready to try and handle all of this?”

James’s face broke out into a wide smile at Tony’s response. Grabbing up the genius, James spun them around in circles for a minute, easily carrying Tony’s weight without a thought, before setting the man back down on his own feet.

“I would be beyond happy to handle all of you for the rest of my life,” James promised.

Tony’s arms found themselves wrapped around James’s shoulder to balance himself, a little dizzy from being spun around like that. Using his hold, he pulled James down just enough so that they could slot their lips together in a soft and chaste first kiss. There was no mistletoe around and no reason to kiss other than the fact that they wanted to express their feelings for one another. Last Christmas might have resulted in a broken heart for Tony but this year it was looking like he had given it to someone very special that would take very good care of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to everyone that came along on this journey. May your year be filled with someone special for you.


End file.
